Where do we go from here? Part 1

When D first called to talk to me and let me know that he had just found out he was HIV+, we were already in the middle of a very rough patch in our relationship. He had just broken up with me to get back together with a former girlfriend. This wasn't any new news, in actuality, it was something that had been a catch in our relationship from the start (we are anything but conventional). I knew about the old girlfriend and that it wasn't exactly finished between them at least emotionally so I encouraged him to explore his feelings and decide what he needed to do. After taking a trip back home to visit family he returned and we talked about him having seen his old girlfriend. They had slept together and spent some time talking things over. Since he had slept with someone else he insisted in getting an STD checkup before sleeping with me again. Before we ever got the results I confronted him about what he was planning on doing with me and his old girlfriend. He decided he missed her and still thought he loved her and wanted to give things another shot. So we parted ways for a while.

Even when you know the score on something it can still be hard to deal with emotionally. I had always known about this other girl and the possibility of him going back to her, but that didn't make it any less painful when it actually happened. I had encouraged it, knowing that until he know for certain one way or the other, things would never have worked out between us anyway, and I prefer things to occur in an open and honest environment. 

We hadn't really spoken in about a week when he called me kind of late one Friday night and said we really needed to talk, was I home? I was kind of startled, wondering what he could possibly want. I was at one of my oldest friends houses watching movies and eating pizza, our break up ritual since high school, so I told him I was busy and asked if it could wait.

"No, it can't. I got my test results back. I have HIV. You need to go get tested too."

My first reaction was oh god, are you ok?How are you doing? When did you find out? And a ton of other questions like do you know how long you have had this? After talking on the phone for a while, after I was convinced he wasn't suicidal or otherwise unstable from the news we agreed to talk later and hung up. My girlfriend who knows every secret I have and has known me in my darkest days and still been my friend was like what is wrong with you? I explained that a previous partner had just tested positive for HIV and I needed to get tested too. She just hugged me and said it would be alright. 

I got the phone book and proceeded to attempt to find a place to get tested. We live in a fairly small city as far as cities go and it was after 11pm on a Friday night. All of the major hospitals said they had tests, but results would be at least two weeks. I was not accepting of that. I had just been told I might have HIV and I was supposed to wait two weeks before they would tell me for certain? I finally talked to one hospital receptionist who referred me to the local AIDS/HIV assistance group. It turns out that there were two places in town that offered the oraquik test that gives results in 2o minutes, but they wouldn't be open until Monday.

The rest of my weekend went by in kind of a blur. I went to work, and nearly every moment I spent not working I spent on the internet looking at HIV websites. I needed statistics, I needed to understand what the disease meant right now for patients, I needed to know exactly what my chances of having contracted it were, I needed to know what we needed to do for D to ensure he was taken care of. I just needed answers, Mainly the answer I needed was am I HIV+, but since I couldn't have that answer and the not knowing was killing me, I just wanted any answers. I cried a lot, something I very rarely do, and didn't really sleep at all. I even got some sleep aids one night, but I still couldn't fall asleep. I didn't really eat either, and usually when I am stressed out that is what I want to do.

 Another kind of strange thing happened over the weekend, also something I didn't expect. D's old/new girlfriend sent me an email, letting me know that if I needed to talk, I could call her since we were both going through the same thing. We talked a few times, I helped her find a testing locations in her area, we discussed how to help D. We kind of made a truce for the time being so that we could all make it through the tough time. I was grateful for that, I had never been her enemy in any way and I can't say how she felt about me, but it was nice to know that she reached out to me, for whatever reason.

D agreed to come with me to my test on Monday morning, so I asked him to come visit with me that Sunday night after I got off work, I had questions and wanted to talk before I got my results. When he came over we just hugged for the longest time, I said I was afraid for so many reasons. I was afraid that if I tested positive I would have to alter my career plans (they involve a lot if international travel and many countries ban HIV positive visitors, in most cases HIV doesn't prohibit you from any job), I was afraid that since he had decided to return to his old girlfriend I would be facing it alone, I was afraid because I hadn't had enough time to think things over and process what it all meant. He assured me that no matter what his relationship status I wouldn't be alone, that he would always be there for me like I had been for him, that I had always found a way to get what I wanted and would find a way to do what I wanted to in life, that everything would be ok. It's kind of strange, but that was probably the most open conversation we had ever had. We always tried to be honest with each other and open about our plans and ideas, but we had always kept our feelings a bit guarded. I asked him to stay the night, and he agreed, I think I was afraid that if he left he might forget or not wake up in time and I would have to go to the test alone. He fell asleep and I stayed up all night thinking things over (again). 

In the morning we drove to the testing site, D had already been there as it was primarily a resource center for HIV positive patients and he registered to have his intake appointment that day after my test. The guy that administered my test asked a few questions about how I felt,what exposure risks I had taken and talked about what a positive diagnosis meant as far as HIV no longer being a death sentence and how there were so many avenues for support and treatment that there was a very bright outlook for positive individuals, etc. After the twenty minutes was up he told me my results were negative, but I still wasn't in the clear. I needed to retest in six weeks then three months.  

I was so relieved, I knew that if my results had been positive I would have been fine, I would have handled it and continued with my life, but it was a relief anyway. I was worried about testing, but not really about being HIV+, it was the uncertainty that had me so wound up over the weekend. I had done a lot of research into transmission and I had taken only very small risks. We had always used condoms for intercourse, and though we didn't use condoms for oral sex the risk of transmission was very small. It didn't seem likely that I would have contracted the virus, but I had needed to know for certain. 

After testing negative, my focus shifted to helping D get through this. We sat down for his intake appointment at the resource center and started the process of getting help. They offer managed care for HIV patients here, so he was assigned a case worker to help him negotiate the medical, legal and financial hurdles that HIV patients face. His first doctor's appointment was scheduled, they gave him a big packet of information and we started moving forward.