Damaged Goods? Not if you ask me.

Watching D struggle with his self image since finding out that he is HIV positive has been one of the hardest challenges for me. He is angry at himself for having engaged in behaviors that put him where he is. He views himself as tainted. Damaged goods. Unlovable and not worth the effort. He no longer sees himself as a valuable partner.

He is having a hard time accepting that to the people that love him his HIV status in no way diminishes his value. I know that in time he will overcome these feelings and regain his sense of self worth, but for now it tears me apart to watch him be so hard on himself. I understand that no matter what I tell him, until he realizes it on his own, nothing I say can convince him that having HIV does absolutely nothing to change how important he is to me. I feel helpless and frustrated at my inability to convince him of how amazing he still is. Whenever he says something negative about himself I feel sad and angry that HIV colors his opinion of himself so darkly that he can't see the himself like others do. It would be so much easier if it worked so that I could just say "You are in no way less of a person. You are still every bit as amazing as you always have been, and even with HIV you still have more to offer than most." and have it change how he feels about himself. But it doesn't work that way, and I have to accept that. 

All I can do is be patient and do my best to show him and remind him just how special I think he is. And I never let the opportunity to do so pass. He simply IS amazing, and every fiber of his being shows it to those around him, so I do my best to reflect that back to him. 

Every time I laugh until I nearly pee my pants because he is so funny I remind him that HIV has not damaged his sense of humor. Every time I sit back with a full belly from a delicious meal he has cooked I remind him that HIV has not damaged his ability to nurture. I every time his tenderness quiets my tears I remind him that HIV has not damaged his ability to comfort. Every time his smile makes me smile I remind him that HIV has not damaged his ability to bring happiness to someone else. I try in every way possible to remind him that HIV has not damaged any of the things that make him the precious and unique individual that he is. HIV may have the ability to damage the cells of his body, but the things that make him such a great person and partner are untouchable.

At the end of each day when he tells me about how work was I tell him how great he is at his job. When he practices dancing I notice and comment on how much improvement he has made. I make sure to tell him how attractive I think he is, and that since he has started taking better care of himself by eating better and exercising more he has only improved his appearance. I thank him for every little thing he does for me so that he hears how much I appreciate him. I tell him just how much I enjoy his company. At the store I buy his favorite treats so that he knows I am thinking about him. I make sure to give him as much affection as he can handle, never missing the opportunity to rub his back or hold his hand.

For now he still has a hard time accepting it all. He often asks why I am so good to him or why I bother with him and I always tell him that he deserves every bit of sweetness I can muster, and I would give him better if I could. He may not get it yet, but I know that if I keep showing him how special and important he is to me, reflecting what an amazing of a person he is, than one day he will start to believe again and regain his sense of value.He may think that HIV has spoiled him, made him into damaged goods and lessened his value, but not if you ask me. He may think that since contracting HIV he is no longer lovable, valuable, sexy, wanted, or worthy but I will do everything it takes to show him otherwise until he changes his mind.