What do you know about safe sex?

In June of 2008 my partner discovered he was HIV+. 

Since his diagnosis I have spent a lot of time asking myself some really tough questions. One that has really made me think is- what do you know about safe sex?

I have always considered myself to be well educated and responsible when it comes to sex. Ten years ago, when I first started becoming sexually active I knew enough from Sex Ed class at school to know that there were plenty of dangerous and unpleasant diseases out there that I would need to protect myself from- Herpes, Syphillis, Chlamydia, HIV, Ghonorrhea, HPV (causes genital warts), Hepatitis, the list goes on. I knew abstinence was 100% effective, and that condoms were an effective method for preventing pregnancy and STD infection, but I still had questions. 

In an ideal world I could have had a nice after school special kind of talk with my parents about how to engage in sexual activity and still protect myself and be responsible, but in reality I had the kind of parents who were entirely against premarital sex and would have offered no support or education regarding how to become safely sexually active, and in fact would have punished me for even considering becoming sexually active. Luckily there were other options out there and I made an appointment at a teen clinic offered by the health department that provided services to teens without parental consent. I started birth control and was encouraged to use condoms. At the time I was in a monogamous relationship with a healthy partner so our main concern was pregnancy and I was already on birth control, so we didn't feel condoms were  really needed. I learned how to use them and filed the information somewhere in the back of my mind, where it wasn't accessed until years later when I was single and negotiating new relationships. 

I would love to say that after that first relationship I was continued on a strong path and always had the foresight to think, I want to have sex with this person, what is my plan for being safe? How do I approach that topic? But I didn't. I had already spent several years having sex, but it had all been with the same partner. I was comfortable taking my pants off, but hadn't had enough practice to be comfortable saying you know, I am pretty certain we are going to sleep together, here are my rules, condoms every time, etc. etc. 

There were parties and boys and far to many episodes of unprotected sex. It took several trips to the clinic for STD tests after having had unprotected sex before I started carrying condoms with me everywhere.  Over the years I tried to be responsible,and often succeeded, but nearly as often I didn't. There were times I forgot, or was to wasted to care, or boys who didn't want to use condoms and I would say, ok. I know you pretty well, I'll make and exception. I always did a better job at being safe than my friends, and that made me feel like I was doing really well. I thought, see, so many times and no STD's, good job! A+! It was almost like I thought that because I knew the statistics and how to protect myself I was safe even if I wasn't doing it 100% of the time. I thought if I knew people and they tested negative and we had agreed to monogamy we were safe, because people you know don't keep secrets.  It was like I thought that somehow I was safe because I wasn't in a high risk group or because I was smarter or something else equally as dumb.

Now when I look back I should have been saying try harder! C-! It certainly didn't hurt that I tried most of the time to be safe, but really it was just luck.

When my current partner and I first got together we both talked about safe sex, why we thought it was important and what we planned on doing about it. We agreed that even though we had both recently been tested for STD's with negative results, we weren't serious enough to rely on monogamy and birth control, so we would use condoms for intercourse. I had never made a practice of condoms for oral sex, the risk never seemed high enough, and so that rule applied as well. Condoms for intercourse, every time. And we followed the rules we had set, although I have to thank my partner for that one, if he hadn't insisted on them every time I am sure I would  have failed to live up to my own rules once again.

After he found out he was HIV+, I had to get tested again, and thanks to a little bit of luck (oral sex still carries a risk, even if it is a small one) and diligent condom use I am HIV-.  After testing negative and realizing that I probably wouldn't be if my partner hadn't insisted on using condoms I changed how I viewed condom use and safe sex. I had thought for so many years that I was doing such a good job, that I was educated and thus safe. I failed to accept that education without practice isn't any kind of protection at all. I failed to accept that even with a partner you know, who has tested negative before doesn't mean you are safe. There is always the potential for secrets, and test taken before something like HIV shows up. It took this much to convince me that trying most of the time isn't good enough and that it isn't about trust or intimacy. It's about realizing that there will always be uncertainties and risks and that protecting yourself isn't a part time job or something you can make exceptions to. It is about realizing that using a condom is such a small thing compared to living the rest of your life with HIV. 

I am thankful everyday now for having a partner who cared about us both enough to use condoms every time, and I am thankful for having been so lucky all the years before I met him.

Now, safe sex means something entirely different, to both of us, than it did before. For him it means he HAS to use a condom every time for the rest of his life, or risk infecting someone else. For me it means I WILL use a condom every time (with any partner, even if they aren't known to be HIV+) for the rest of my life because I have already taken too many chances and I realize now just how foolish I was.